So it's Saturday night. You would think a woman of my age, 27, would be out enjoying a mild spring night with friends or a special someone. Instead I am sitting in my living room alone watching HGTV. It is truly tragic. As I sit here flipping through the channels of my digital cable, which keep in mind offers over 300 channels, I wonder isn't there anything else I could be doing with my life right this very moment. Of course I could be, do I wish I were? Of course. And yet I sit here, almost comatose. Bored and yet to lazy to get up and turn on some music or pick up a book. Tragic, no doubt. I guess not even a great story or song can make me feel better about being home right now. I am almost punishing myself with the most lackluster evening possible.
So why not go out on the town, get into some mischief, make some memories? My 3 kids are upstairs sleeping. 3 kids renewing themselves for a tomorrow that is full of wonder and fun. At ages 8,6 and 4 being awake at 9pm on a Saturday is not something they miss. The sunshine of the morning is more exciting then the darkness of the night at their ages. They relish and experience every moment of the day. No regrets. As I sit here feeling like a prisoner in my own home I almost feel guilty for wishing I had the night to run away with. If I had lived every second of the day I wouldn't need to make for the loss of experience at night. Grrr their innocence makes me sad and proud.
So I feel guilty but yet still yearning for the life I wish I had. My kids are such amazing people. They enrich my life so much. But am I missing out on experiences that would enrich my life and person in a different way? Could I be missing out on evolving into an amazing person? So many questions that re-enter my mind quite often. I am haunted by the image of myself with a different life and different views on the world. Am I whining? I hate whiners. I tell my kids I can't hear you if you are whining! I can't understand you when you don't problem solve. I guess it is easier to be a Mom then to listen to one.
With my favorite designer Candice Olsen from Divine Design on HGTV in the background I wave my white flag to this Saturday night and hope for a more eventful tomorrow.
Good night.
